Gumby I'm Not...

Monday, December 19, 2011

Today's blog may be a little over the top for some, so forgive me Santa and please don't put me on your naughty list!

As a practicing CrossFitter I pride myself in being pretty well rounded in most things athletic related; strength, speed, stamina, coordination, flexibility....okay, that last one is a stretch (get it...flexibility...a stretch...no?...never mind)

In the interest of being completely transparent, however, I need to admit right here, right now, that my flexibility is at an all time low. Touch my toes while keeping my legs straight? Yeah, right...I"m not even close. I'm serious.....it's fucking embarrassing. You'd think I'd just spent the last 8 years in a total body cast or something.  

I tried following one of my wife's Yoga DVD's the other day and couldn't even get past the damn warm-up: In her disgustingly smug high-fructose-corn-syrupy voice, the instructor in the video says: "While balancing serenely on your right leg, slowly grasp your left foot in your left hand and gently place it behind your head...goooood...now, let's hold that for 60 seconds...

WTF?!!

After almost tearing an important component in my happy place, I quickly ejected the evil DVD and used it as a coaster for my kaluha-laced protein drink which I felt I needed to soothe my badly bruised ego.

Obviously, all such DVD's are produced by lesbians who hate male CrossFitters...but I digress. I needed to get to the root of this problem, and after giving it much serious thought, I stumbled upon the problem:

It's a man thing.

Most guys view stretching in the same Jeopordy category as dry humping Hillary Clinton or being Gay: "I'll take Shit I'm Never Going To Be Part Of for $200, Alex. "

With that being said, I humbly admit that I need more flexibility in my life if I'm going to keep up with my kids.  It really hit home the other night while I was playing with them and I calculated that over a 2 hour period I got up and down off the floor approximately 7000 times.

The selfish little bastards apparently don't care that being 47 years younger than me, 4 feet closer to the ground and only weighing the same as a large poodle gives them a slight advantage in speed and mobility." Keep up, Dad, or we won't love you anymore." (I don't think they'd actually say that, but do I really want to find out?!)

So, as we bravely head towards the New Year I have made but just one resolution; to stretch 15 minutes every day for the entire year. Strength and speed are great, but are even better if you can execute them within a base of grace and fluidity. 

If this guy had any muscles at all he'd be my hero...

WOD
Tabatas On Crack
For Total Reps / 8 rds of each exercise, 20 secs on-10 secs off each set
Pullups
Pushups
Situps
Squats